Feelings

I feel sick. and im not sure where. My back feels heavy and my shoulders are free. I feel sick in my brain too. I'm in a bad shape.

What is actually wrong. I feel there are many things I need to do and have them done and I feel I'm in the position to have them done in the nearest future. But at the same time I feel these things can wait and there are really lame excuses came to support my procrastination. I feel like life is running and running and I'm inside the wheel upside down and really in a bad shape. I feel I'm running for nothing..or for what? I'm not sure.

Aaah I'm tired of all these feelings.

I feel like I'm running not knowing why I have to. What is actually I'm running for? What is awaiting me? Is it still far away or am I reaching soon? Where the line is going to stop me. I have the same speed and I just cant slow down. I feel fixed.

I feel like something is going to happen or maybe it is just my miserable thoughts over all these feelings make me feel so. Sometimes I feel I just wana breakdown but even if I breakdown my feet are still running and it will just make running difficult. I'm fixed.

But then I feel like I'm ok. Just run and breath. Just let time stops me and let time explains me. Just let something to happen at its comfort.

The more I grow the more I feel like I don't want anything in this life. What I need is just food, a place to live and some money to work out my passions. Work to fill in the blank times.

But my heart is made of a rare material. It is a stubborn heart that wants something more than what I think I need. The blood that supplies it has got the genes. I can feel the genes are kicking me greatly. I just can't ignore my genes.

I'm just tired of worrying about my future. I wana trust time to take me where I have to be.

I wana do the right thing with all things I have in hands right now.

I can still wait to get over this running thing. I want to walk and walk calmly and breath the fresh air. I know if I walk right now I won't reach coz I'm already late.

One day I will be able to walk. I just have to run on the track. It is not about patience because I know I have enough stock of patience in the store for me to get there wherever whenever it is.

I need calories. I need food. I can't run without energy. and I have to run.

Mission accomplished al7amdulillah..

I woke up at 9450am and my sunday class started at 9.30am.. counting how much time i would need to be on the road and to arrive college by public transortation, i was sure that i woudlnt make it to arrive at 10.15am at least. To arrive later than that would be just useless and trigger the Dr's anger. So better not going and better do something better than going :)

Aaaannd..here is the better thing I did today, my morning project - Gardening!

Now my window is alive with something alive... I dont really know these guys names. Probably between cactus and aloe vera. Whatever it is, the sure thing is my heart smiles wide everytime I look out of my window. And this time I dont fan to stare up or down or far away or at the KL building but right here just at these lovely plants ..

Where I got this from? The plants are from my friend's mom. I went to her house and stayed overnight to use the sewing machine and fell in love with the planted balcony they have in the kitchen.. so I asked if I could have some of it and last night they brought some for me enough to fill 3 vases... Im so much excited to see them grow bigger and taller!

And the vases came from the house owner. I asked if I could lend or buy 3 vases and she said just take it :) She has many empty dirty vases in the home balcony and I think me having use of them is something good to do.

Look at the string..that comes from my sewing decorations. I usually used it to decorate my abayas or sleeves but I found it strong enough to hold these vases. I tried to break it with all my strenght but it was unbroken ( maybe i was not strong enough but i think im somehow stronger than these plants hehe )

So my morning was perfected by this lil project. Im thinking to add more and more plants especially flowers so that I will enjoy my room and always feel happy everytime I walk in and out of it :)

Stay tuned bebeh :P

From Irbid with lots of hugs and kisses

Assalamu alaikum from Irbid, Jordan. Another heart attack for the blog to live with :p

Yes, Irbid again for the 3rd time, for enshallah not the final time and enshaa Allah a place to filter my intoxicated heart from time to time. Yes, it seems like Irbid is the filtering place for me. Get back home afterwards fresh and stronger bi iznillah..

Things to settle are still in progress but mainly they are orderly in progress. University registration, done. Hostel, done. Iqamah, in progress. Mu3adala, in progress. But I'm confident to say that I will be happy to leave Jordan even if the progressing things stay in progress because I have informed reliable persons to take care of them if ever I won't be able to take care of it. Kheir ensha Allah.

Dear blog, I feel something about friendship. You see, friendship is precious only when there are sincerity and sacrifice. When u are sincere in a friendship, you will sacrifice your time, energy and wealth for your friends. That is a true friendship, even if you don't really look like friends when you are together but when help needed out of your sight, those friends will show up and rescue. It is beautiful.

I have friends in my life whom I can trust them to take care of my golds and diamonds and silverstones whatever. It is a trust that never shaken because what we were looking at was the heart of each other's. Not the facial expressions or the words out of order. True friends understand what you say in the deepest sense. They grab what you mean when you mean it.

I'm here for a week. It is Friday and I have to be there in the masjid for the Jumuah Prayer and make lots of prayers. Allah swt has helped me a lot throughout my life, in my ups and downs, providing me time and places to run to when the world is chasing me away and the space becomes narrow and fierce. Allah provides me with problems together with enough things to get me going through all the problems. And I, indeed have no excuse to say I don't have enough. I feel content and yes, lucky, Alhamdulillah.

All the process of Kamilah's study here is not easy. It is complicated especially for me who is nobody in the Jami3ah but we succeed to do it, bit by bit by the helps of persons we didn't know. That teaches me a lot about soft skills, about bravery and fast thinking. And that reminds me of my life when I was an independant me in Ukraine and it often strikes my mind out of a sudden that subhanallah, this is why Allah wanted you to be there, in places where you have been. It is to prepare you for this, this and this, the kind of life you have to go through, it was a training and it is still a training that will never stop. And, it is hard to tell the feeling.

Today, I gona meet those persons that Nirah wanted me to meet. Arwa, Nawar, Atiqah, etc. I went to see Sheikha Umm Abdul Aziz and kids last night and indeed was happy to see the innocent strong faces again. There are lots of things to learn from these Arabs. Tomorrow enshaa Allah will be a busy day as I know I wont be able to do lots of things on Sunday. My flight will be at 4.30pm and at 12 I have to leave Irbid. I dont't feel as sad as before thinking of leaving Irbid because I can feel that this place is not a strange place at all. I speak their language, wear their clothes and love to eat olives. I will be back some days only Allah knows. And even if I won't come again I can feel it fresh in my heart and mind and this Arab sipirts and good values will stay in my heart and burn my blood like a fuel when my engine gets frustrated.

Irbid is not a beautiful city. It is dirty. It is full of cigarette smokes and street rubbish. But it is pure if the people that makes me love Irbid. It is the greetings of Assalamu alaikum from strangers men and women that makes me want to come back again. It is the du3a that they say after every single conversation that warms my heart. It is the ability to be independently brave that makes me feel freedom here.

I have to take a bath. I know it is so damn cold. It is 10 degrees but I have no choice. I will heat the water and have a shower and wash my clothes and get out of here to meet a real life out there. I might not be writing until I will be back again in Pantai Hillpark. By the way I have got a news that my external exam result has come out. I really hope I pass it. I just don't know what to expect. It makes me nervous . I hope Allah will help me ameen........

Doha Airport

Blog gets a heart attack tonight

Well, it feels a little bit awkward to start writing all over again after a very long while. See the last date of my last story and now one semester of my sonography course has gone and suddenly my blog got a heart attack seeing me jotting things back without a warning. In fact, there is not little things to write in here but it seems like im short of enough words to describe things in a good order making it a terrible blog writing. But that's Ok. In situation like this i know all i need is to START. That is the magic word that helps things done with me. Start.

So I want to start again. Writing is not something new. It is something I groomed and abandoned. All i need is to look at what I have left and re-groom it.

So, Im still a student. A trainee who has to go 'working' like I got paid. Everyday meeting 'stupid' educated people ( now here it goes...) and has to converse in a 'stupid' English. I always used to believe that once i get into the world of working, the deeper i get the more chance for me to mingle around stupid people. Now that Im here, i can look into the mirror and say 'welcome to your prediction '.

Alright, here are some things that I ve learnt about life lately.

Not to please people make things in your heart nicely arranged in order. You will overcome nervousness, your performance becomes better, you get to rid of stupid things easier. You wont be thinking of what people think about you. It really makes going to college a little much more fun that before.

People tend to please others either they think pleasing means impressing, or because they think that the persons they want to please are much more qualified and experts. So they feel a kind of inferiority complex to be around these experts, feeling it important to show the humbleness through pleasing. As for me, i think i was close to the later type of pleasers. But now, after so many stupid things happen in the college, I got this conclusion that pleasing other people in whatever reason it is, is nonsense and practically pathetic.

So, i had thrown pleasing into the trash and went to buy something called ' do the right thing'. When i use it, it makes me looking forward to do things and expose myself to mistakes. Yes, that is the thing. Once im rid of pleasing others, i found myself not scared of trying new things and making mistakes. So my learning process became perfect and the more i made those mistakes the fitter i feel i become with ultrasound, with presentation and problem solving. I feel im not scared anymore to be scolded.

And it pays. People sense you once you are a free flying bird in the sky. Your eyes shine bright even when you are being scolded. You give that message that 'happy to be scolded' and it hold them back. trust me it does. You can feel it.

The other obvious thing that I have learnt is proffesionalism. I dont define it by how you look but how you do it. My colleagues seem to wear like a proffesional to make them look one. But the outer 'proffesional' garment they wear become like a teaser to their profesionalism. It makes them look very, very pathetic and that annoys me most of the time. Again, it is to please the superiors. For me, patients first. Patients come from different backgrounds. Some come by cars, some just walking. I can see a whole lot of different type of  people in my patients. They dont come to see what you're wearing. They come to get themselves checked, to expose their clothes to the sticky gel and get their belly and ribs pressed with the probe. They see how you talk to them, response to their preference, your empathy and efficiency. You are there as a sonographer, not a steward.

Ok im sleepy. See im such a jerk with a heck in the neck. Poor blog tonight getting hijacked by my poor writing. Hmm what to do....

Adios

Manusia memang leka

Andai hati terlihat dimulut

ketatlah ia takkan dibuka

busuklah ia takkan tertahan

andai hati berulat di mulut

takkan kita sanggup dilihat!

Andai otak terpampang di dahi

berkedutlah ia kedut sejuta

cair anak mata kita

wajah yang diberi Tuhan

sempurna

kita sembunyikan segala jelek dan jengkel kita

kita rasajelita

kerna wajah kita sering dipuji

wajah yang dianugerah Tuhan

palsu dan sinis

berwarna warni 

beriak menipu

Tuhan sengaja menyimpan hati dan otak kita

dalam  benak dan tempurung kepala

usah dilihat orang

Namun 

Dia melihat membelek

Siapakah yang mampu menjaga 

anugerah mulut dan anak butir mata amanah dari-Nya

Privacy-hijackers freak!

It freaks me no joking when people try to get into my lines like a jerk. First, the getting into my line thing is itself freaking impolite and privacy-hijacking. I mean, if you want to earn respect, you should do respectable things, in a respectable way. And if you want attention, go to the street market and wear one of those mascots that gona work. Trying to get yourself into an issue (somebody's line!) that never is will only owe you anger and hatred.

And, if you think your way of getting into my lines is as a result of your sincere curiosity (as most privacy hijackers claim them to always be), you should consider requesting for more info/explaination/briefs/etc in a decent manner which wouldnt owe you hatred and anger. And to know what methods are best to take u into decent manners, do some efforts to learn about common senses rather than your common habits and common trends. You know what trends im talking about. The trends that people nowadays get infected from the typical tv shows and stupid monkey dramas. The shows that eat the green part of your brain like cattepillars eating leaves.

To all privacy-hijackers, dont you think that people are first; differ, everybody is unique, got brain. Second; we all grow up in different diapers, breast-fed by different mothers, our tumb prints never match each others'. Third; when you were in ur 20s you were not in my place, you didnt grow up where I was planted, your days were longer than mine. All these, if using common sense alone is enough to put us into a rational consideration of respecting others' lives, decisions, ways of thinkings, preferences, colors, tooth's shape, etc. Common sense is an asset, a gold asset for a human being. Without common senses you cant taste, smell, hear, see, burp, fart, you cant think properly. You can go retarded and half comatose.

But it is so sad to see it is common sense that people ignore to bother most. It is the ignorance of common sense that makes people become lunatic and astray, hypocrite, and very, very annoying. But yet when we ask them where have they packed their common sense, all the answer they could give is 'everybody is like this'. I say So? if everybody that you refer to is as ignorant and annoying as you are, then what is so special about 'like this?'

Common sense doesnt need a back-up. It doesnt need an approval from anybody. What u need is a sound brain. what u need is to stay silent, stay as genuinely sincere as u can and listen to that sincere voice in ur heart, without any prejudice, stupid monkey trends or any attention yearning. If your common sense still fails to pop out, then ur IQ must be below average and it is all you that need all your hijacks, not other people that 'concern' you.

This is the thing. To say you are 'concern' doesnt give u a passport to throw what u hate about something right on his/her face. Being concern is seriously a lame old-school excuse to make you look noble. For me, if you are really concern about me, stay away from saying or doing something that cross my line. And again, to know my lines, study the way I am and use your senses. Easy task indeed but have no effects on lazy heavy bump privacy hijackers.

It is not difficult to know what one likes or dislikes. I mean, even for the basic top lists are not hard to figure out, even if you just meet a person. I mean for example, lets say if you meet a person who just lost a kitten, you dont go drag her into a conversation about how nice ur kitten is, how many times a day it kiss u or sleeps on ur lap or shit on ur laptop, dont you? you would restrict your tongue from the 'i told you so' ideology. I mean, it is all common sense man!! Dont you just got it???

Yet, yes, it is ego. It is the feeling ahhh my life is sooooo goood I gona help those pity lads out there who dont know how to be happy like me. or oh yeah Im a perfect person. I have big money, big car, big house, big mouth, my children are successful doctors, lawyers, kitten caretakers, what so ever. I should let people know that Im perfect! Let my family be an example to them, pity! Yawn yawn and yawn!

For those who dont know me enough, if you think you can come to me to say all things in ur mind about me, or my life, or my decisions, without filtering all what u wana say using Rx Water and the like, forget about it because life has trained me quite enough to shame those who try to give shame to me and I shame you big and loud I dont care anymore. 

 

Life comes with a resposibility

To have your deen being insulted, humiliated, misunderstood, manipulated, etc etc is very, very hurtful, painful, and outraged me. But do you know what makes me feel worse? It is being a pathetic me not being able to do something to back-up my deen the way it deserves to be defended, in an outspoken way. Don't get me wrong. Im not a Muslim who would choose to stay silent as silent as I could be or pretend that I dont hear what you say when you say bad about Islam, or a person who would prefer to hang on the wall that divides truth and falseness just to stay safe. Im not all that. I know my ability to shut people mouth from saying what I hate to hear but yet I'm still in need of the skills to say it the way I should, the blessed way, the way I wouldnt bite my tongue later and think 'I should have said this and this instead'.

I have a Bugis blood and I know what this trait has done to my character. My blood can be boiled at lower temperatures when specific buttons are pressed and the most powerful button is when u say something very foolish and false about my belief, things Im sure is 100% astray and dangerous to one's faith and when you say it like you are a scholar/imam but yet there is not any bit of qualification that u own that makes your opinions about Islam is at least close to thinkable and right. Plus, if your manner as a Muslim, the way you dress, speak, drink, eat, walk, socialize, etc is close to or just like your non-muslim mates'.

Alright, nobody is perfect. You should welcome all critics about your religion and regard it in a positive point of view. Tell you what, the only thing positive about such thing/person who attacks me with his or her ignorance is the growing hatred I have towards being ignorance that makes me want to be aware not to become like them, in any way enshaaa Allah!

I dont agree when people say you have to always think positive, in any way so you will feel happy all day, seven days a week, forever.... Do you think I have the right to think positive over things that absolutely need me to think negative? and when my forever-positive thoughts can actually take me to hell?? How would you act when someone is making a nonesense argument about changing the name of Allah to 'Ah' like Allah has a nickname ( Astaghfirullah!) to make it easy and lighter to utter/recite? As I said, Astaghfirullah! and what is with those people who say that the water that has been 'read' with certain verses from the Quran cant be put together with all the other 'ordinary' water on the shelf?? This is just rediculous and out of mind. First, I dont even agree about water being 'read' or blown with verses by sheikhs or alchemists what so ever, can change fate. I do believe in the scientific finding about the miracle of water molecules that can shape according to what you tell them to shape. But having a sheikh or certain people blowing ur water and believe in the ability of the water to 'change' things is not my thing. Second, I dont know what is this ordinary and extraordinary water thing is about. The only confirmly blessed water I know is the water of zam zam that never dries in the dessert of Saudi Arabia that has a reward for those who drink it, proven by authentic hadeeth that I can hold on to and third, I believe that to purify your sins, what you need is not to drink water but to sit and think about all the sins u have commited, feel ashamed of commiting them all and repent. Ok maybe you need some water in term of tears and water to take wudooo so you can perform salah and get closer to your Creator swt.

The funny thing is when someone is trying to prove their religious opinions are authentic by quoting some words from certain scholars/islamic representatives. I mean, well if you claim yourself as a muslim you should 've been be ready to know the only source to prove the authenticity of what you say about Islam is from Quran and the sayings of the Prophet s.a.w a.k.a the hadeeth/sunnah. Quote me all the grammatical words you have memorized from the sayings of ahlul sufi or ahlul bid'ah or ahlul secularist what so ever ahlul doesnt make me want to buy what you are selling! Who you think you are dealing with when you argue with me? I am a Muslim. Is it difficult to find out the best way to 'tackle' me?

Knowledge is power and practice makes perfect. Me, is to be blame for the thing Im weeping about right now which is my inability to have the maw3idzatil 7asanah (the best way) in arguing/preaching/debating/dialoguing with ignorants/traitors/misleading individuals who seem to be well-trained enough to break my heart and boil by blood.

But I wont let these people rule the world Im living in. I gona do something to develop what Im lacking. Just watch me! I will do my best because I have no other choice than to try the way my religion is suggesting me. If u want to back-up ur deen, do as what it tells you to!

May Allah help us all to defend this beloved Islam with all that we have. Nothing is impossible as long as we do our best enshaaaa Allaaaah!!

Sleepless blogger

There are so many things happen around the globe. Serious things. Things that buy and sell humans' blood and souls.

And here I am in an empty-dumpty double-story house face to face with the train railway.

This house, is big. It is so silent except when the train passing by, the house will be 'shaken' and it is very very noisy. It is like a moster coming and running from the sky hitting the ground. The train will shut up every single sound in the whole universe and when it left, everything is dead. Dead silent.

So, what the hamburger am I doing here? 

My bro in law is sick. He ate something stingy and his head sway and still swaying. I got a call in the middle of my insomnic night from my sister asking me to help her babysit the 2 babies, Big Baby Harith and Small Baby Ahmad because she had to go to the Hospital taking her husband and Baby Abdullah. So, off I went on the road driving with my youngest Bro. Bukhari. I wanted to go alone at first but mom found out and Bukhari had to accompany me. He did. Sleeping in his seat all the way to my Sis'.  Well, in the darkness of empty road, even a company of a snoring 'man' is a help. As long as he is alive lol.

Even my bro in law is already out of the emergency ward, he has to be put in a silent cave in case his headache shouts. My Sis and I just knew that it means keeping the two magpie and chipmunk babies away and out of sight from their Baba. They are lucky because they have 2 houses which are not far from each other so I have to babysit my baby nephews in that other house they just bought, which is the empty big house Im in right now.

But why am I alone? Where are the telebabies? Well, my sis is always concern about her growing kids relationship with their parents. She doesnt like the idea that they sleep without seeing Baba, or sleeping far from Baba. They used to sleep with their Baba especially the Magpie and Chipmunk.

Really, these 2 nephews of mine ARE growing! You can see it from the way they talk, ask and answer questions, the way they use tears as a diplomatic way to get things and since Ahmad's vocabulary is speedily increasing, we always need to have someone with a skill to stop the two from getting mad over a debate on seriously kiddish argument. Like...

Ahmad wants to shut the door 

Harith said ' Don't shut the door'

Ahmad : Ahmad nok tutup jugok (Ahmad still want to shut the door)

Harith : Harith tak bagi Ahmad tutup pintu ( Harith dont give permission to Ahmad to shut the door )

Ahmad : Harith senyap (Harith shut up)

Harith : Harith tokse senyap (Harith dont wan to shut up)

Ahmad : Ahmad tutup pintu (Ahmad shut the door)

Harith : Tak bagi ( not allowed)

Ahmad :...... well u know what he gona say on and on and on........ until yuk yuk yukk..someone ends up crying out LOUD

And somebody 'big' has to shut the both by saying things that relate to shaytan... looool I know I know you dont get it when I mention this but that is the only effective way so far to make them forget about winning. Well I would just tell them that there is a shaytan nesting at the door of their mouths telling them what to say to each other and this shaytan will ask Ahmad to shut the door when Harith said dont shut and another shaytan is telling Harith to get angry when Ahmad doesnt want to shut the door and bla bla bla bla and make myself to look very very serious and yes they will be serious too and when they started to come sit near me I just knew it was a success alhamdulillah!

Kids..... you know when you say children are pure, you cant resist not to think they are still pure when they misbehave. I cant help thinking how pure they are even when they drag me crazy and angry. They are just purely naughty, purely spoil, purely rude what so ever. Because they are sinless.

I know that I have to sleep. I need to be fresh tomorrow to monitor my beloved nephews. Parenting is not easy. It needs practice, creativity and patience. It is one kind of science I fail to categorize.



p.s. Just forgive my English. Im between beta and gamma waves right now ~~~~

They killed the kids...........

I cant sleep I tried to close my eyes but all the images of Syrian kids being killed came to shoot me and I could feel the trauma. My head took me to what Ive seen from the previous killing on the Egyptian Revolution. I cant forget the pictures of the killed men and the videos and all that. Ive never get constant view about any war than the one happened in Egypt. I knew there were wars going on in at other places but it is not like I was sitting in front of the screen all day to watch Palestine/Somalia/Libya etc but I spent all my sorrow with the Egyptian people more coz I was there all day watching people crushed and shot. Im traumatized I know. It is hard to breath.

I was thinking to be up to date with the war in Syria when the updates from facebook showed the pics of the kids being killed by the cruel soldiers of and their bodies were torn into pieces. I just knew that I wouldnt be able to bear more pics like that in my mind. Things i watched abt Egypt are still fresh in my heart n mind and to see the picture like that, I cant imagine if there is something worse than Egypt.

I cant imagine how could people kill other people, innocent people. They killed kids. Can you imagine any 'sane' people who kill kids? What kinds of mentality is that, what kinds of hearts do they bear? Dont they ever be kids before? Dont they have kids of their own? Dont they have mothers and fathers? How could they kill those children? What kinds of insanity is that???

Just imagine those sweet innocent little humans marching on the street asking people to stop shooting or release their fathers in prisons... and they were shot? The soldiers surely are corward creatures. what are they? drunken shooters? what did these children have that makes it worth shooting? Can they destroy the bulldozers? did they have guns with them? No. What they have was the memory of life before the war. They miss those moments they miss going to school again. They miss their lost family. They miss to go to the playground. They might know something about the cruel man called Assad and they did listen to grown ups talking about the foul stingy Syrian dictatorship but do u think they really really understand about whats going on with the system, law, and politics and all that stuff. I dont think they bother about all that. But they have ears that hear the shootings going on outside the house, they have eyes that watched someone being shot by someone else, they saw their parents die, they might probably have best friends from school being shot too and all these things made them live in fear. They were traumatized. They wanted to say something and they wanted to do something for all these to stop. They gathered on the road to let people hear their voice, their hearts. Then they were killed.

Imagine if u were one of the mothers, imagine if u were there...imagine ur sisters or brothers........................................Rabbb... make me meet them in ur jannah.....................................